8/7/2024
Part 1: taking up space
I wrote What's the Catch after a first date with a guy
I could hear a band behind it as I was writing
I wanted to make it happen so I did
I commissioned Kyle Athayde to arrange my song for a big band
I was SO excited to hear the demo
It felt surreal to have a silly idea of mine
Grow into something so much bigger
As of today, I found enough instrumentalists to work on the song
And I feel disgusting
I'm not used to putting so much effort and money into one song
Normally I write a song in an hour
And that'll be it
I'm not used to so many people working on something I made
At max, I had 3 other people
With What's the Catch?
We're looking at 13
I'm being perceived in a way that I don't like
What if they don't like it?
What if they're just being nice?
What if they think I'm a fake musician?
I feel like I'm making a big deal out of a mid song
With this song in particular, my song is more than just me
And that makes me so uncomfortable
I finally realized why I'm so uncomfortable with this song
It's because I'm taking up space
I'm used to being the quiet girl
I'm used to making music alone in my own room
I'm used to doing my own thing in my own time
I'm not used to other people being involved
I'm not used to making it a big spectacle
I'm not used to being in a position where I can let people down
I'm trying to remind myself that it'll be a good experience for all of us
Being in the studio isn't an everyday thing
Since we are all students, we could all learn
But I still feel so gross
Why do I get to have my song done?
Because my dad has money???
It feels unfair and I feel unworthy
I have a lot to unlearn...
Part 2: hope
Tomorrow is the big day
We only had 3 rehearsals
It was impossible to gather everyone at the same time
But I know we'll be fine
Now that I've met everyone I'm recording with
I feel a lot more comfortable making music with them
It's funny how much my mindset has changed after school started
I'm used to having something to stress about
So my brain decided to stress about What's the Catch
Now that school is taking up my time
I've been at peace with my song
We're all just college kids who love to make music
We're all human
I tackled my biggest mental block
And now I'm ready to create
Part 3: music video
i typically dont put too much effort into making videos
even though i secretly love editing
I want What's the Catch to be different
all my youtube videos are recorded on a shitty webcam
now that i have a job at the camera shop
it feels like a good time to upgrade to a good video camera
the most ive worked on a music video was in high school
where i made an ASL interpretation of "All I Want for Christmas is You"
My teacher loved it so much she played it for all her classes
it was a creative project i was truly proud of
even if it was silly
//
my creativity is limited by the things i Think that I can do
as in if i think i cant do something
i wont think of it in the first place
I always record near my house and in my room
I don't venture out because I'm used to being extremely limited
I'm used to not having a license
I'm used to not having a steady income
but now new doors are opening up for me
which means my creativity has room to expand
it's hard to get out of the mindset that ive grown up with
but its possible
What's the Catch is my chance to get out of my comfort zone
//
I found my family's old camcorder a while back
I couldn't figure out a way to transfer the footage so I didn't use it much
Funny enough, I transfer tapes like mine all the time at my new job now
I decided to use my camcorder for this music video
itll create a vintage effect thats perfect for the jazzy vibe of my song
i have easier access to studio equiptment and more funds for props
i made a pinterest board full of ideas for the music video
i told myself to add anything even if i think its not possible to record
i didn't want to limit my creativity from the start
//
the other day i started recording the music video with my coworker Giancarlo
i used a pink backdrop i bought from work
and i bought a really cute red telphone online
its only a short scene for a 4 minute long song
but im really proud of how it turned out
even before transferring
i plan on going to the aquarium with my camcorder for the music video as well
in a few weeks we plan on shooting footage of the insturmentalists
(its a big band song
they need their moment)
//
at first i was dreading the music video
because i felt like there was no way for me to get it to look the way i want it to
but its starting to feel within reach
im getting more and more excited as time goes on
music videos are a medium im not used to
but i like to think i have an eye for it
we shall see how the finished project turns out