Amber Fornoles

6/21/2025

8 years ago today I finished writing my first original song

Just me and my ukulele singing about my experience with depression

it was a bit on the nose using water as a metaphor as a competitive swimmer 

but it got my emotions out

The lyrics feel a bit cringe to me now

But it captured exactly how I felt in that moment

It's crazy looking back at how far I've come

I'm not famous and I don't want to be 

But every time I get a comment saying that my music resonates with someone

I feel so fullfiled

Music is my emotional outlet 

I started writing to turn my feelings into something tangible

Here I am 8 years later with over 50 original songs 

I've been told my bi song helps people feel confident and proud of their sexuality 

Something that took me 6 years to do

Others have said my song helped them come out to their loved ones 

Its an incredible feeling knowing that I played a small part in such a huge turning point in people's lives

I went from writing songs alone in my room with 4 strings 

to writing a big band piece with 12 other musicians

I am surrounded by amazing musicians 

And I never would have met them if I didn't pick up a pencil 8 years ago

Songwriting gives me a way to capture a moment in time

I can listen back to my old songs and remember exactly how I felt 

First Original Song: 

https://youtu.be/70jRQlrthUs?si=9nozCHtwlPXdxVrv

1/13/2025

I typically write for myself

but I always post my music in hopes that it resonates with someone else too

All the songs on this mini EP were gifts to loved ones

I post almost all my songs on YouTube

but I never thought to post these

Now years have past and I rediscovered them quite recently

When I listened to them for the first time in years

I knew I wanted to release them

I thought why should I let these songs rot in my computer

When someone out there could benefit from listening

The first song on a lifetime ago... is called Addie's Lullaby

I wrote it for my choir director, Ian Brekke, in 2020

He was having his first baby during lockdown and I wanted to give him a gift to celebrate

I thought a lullaby would be fitting for his little girl

The song is written in his perspective

Expressing his love for his child

It was easy to put myself in his shoes to write this song since I've always wanted to be a mom

The second song on the mini EP is called Believe

I wrote this song for my first love

I've never felt that way before for anyone and I wanted to express my feelings for him

He felt like forever and I wanted him to know

The last song on the mini EP is called Another Life

It is about loving someone after a breakup

and it was written for the same person I fell in love with for the first time

I felt as if we would have made it in another life

So naturally I wrote a song about it

After I finished writing this song

I let him know that I was writing about him

he told me "I knew what I was getting myself into"

All these songs were recorded 3-5 years ago

I thought about rerecording them

But they are filled with emotions that I cannot replicate

I write to capture a moment in time

And those moments were efficiently captured

a lifetime ago... is filled with nostalgic memories

I hope you enjoy this blast from the past

11/4/2024

My therapist thinks I'm OCD

...and autistic

...and ADHD

I'm already diagnosed with bipolar disorder

I was told I couldn't get diagnosed for OCD until I'm "emotionally stable for 2-3 months"

Of course, I'm emotionally unstable BECAUSE I'm not getting the right treatment

But what else could I do?

When I was younger

I thought it was bad luck to look at a specific part of my bathroom mirror

I would have to blink an even number to feel safe

The bigger the number

The safer I was

I would blink up to 60 times

My pediatric psychiatrist mentioned me having OCD

Once I was too old to see him

I switched to an adult psychiatrist

She didn't listen to a word I said

I would tell her how miserable my new meds felt

And she would just increase them

I was told that she was the one who took OCD off my medical record

It wasn't until I told my current psychiatrist about the blinking for me to get reassessed

As of today, I am officially diagnosed with OCD

My life is starting to make a lot more sense

My perfectionism has been holding me back for decades

In middle school, I would skip class to finish homework

Because I wanted to get everything done

In high school, I failed a few classes because I just didn't show up

In college, I would drop out of my classes for fear of failing

Even if it was just because I missed one (1) assignment

At work I find myself wanting to quit constantly because I'm not a expert at what I do

And that's just the OCD side of things

My OCD and autism wants to manage my time

But my ADHD doesn't let me

My autism wants a strict routine

But my ADHD doesn't let me

Antidepressants are used to treat OCD

But too much can trigger a manic episode from my bipolar

I am a combination of conditions that like to fight each other

Now that I'm diagnosed

I feel free

There is a reason why I am the way that I am

I'm not just insane

I am not trying to cause trouble

I am not doing this on purpose

Of course, with a diagnosis comes the responsibility of treating it

But now I have the resources from my providers

And the comfort of certainty

I can look up OCD without feeling like an imposter

I've been living my life thinking something was deeply wrong with me

But now I know

I'm just OCD

And there is nothing wrong with that

9/27/2024

my therapist asked me 

why i think theyre not the one 

tried to come up with a reason 

but i just came up with none 

close my eyes and make a wish 

upon a shooting star

i can see you in my future 

but i dont know how far

my wounds are raw and healing 

but i know someday theyll scar

ive been asking questions

i dont want answers to 

i know that im happy 

isnt that enough for you?

what if make it? 

what if we dont? 

better to try 

then turn "will" to "wont"

close my eyes and make a wish 

upon a shooting star

i see you in my future 

but i dont know how far

my wounds are raw and healing 

but i know someday theyll scar

forever is never a guarantee 

life is not that simple 

expecially to someone like me 

miss historically fickle 

i have a long way until i say "i do" 

im only 24 

but i cant help but wonder 

if i need to search anymore 

close my eyes and make a wish 

upon a shooting star

i see you in my future 

id like to see how far 

my wounds are still healing 

but i know someday theyll scar

8/20/2024

My two perfect days in 10 years would look calm and productive. I would wake up at the same time every day next to the love of my life. Everything is all set for me to go to work. I made sure I picked out all my clothes the day before. I eat a quick breakfast before I drive to my workplace. I am greeted by familiar faces. Everyone is kind and understanding. I feel fulfilled at my job since I am using my creativity to help people. I am able to engage with the customer/patient(?) on an emotional level. After work there will be an employee get-together at a restaurant. We enjoy each other's company in a work free setting. A good meal with good company is refreshing after a hard day's work. We say our goodbyes as we all go on our own weekends. I drive home and greet my partner. We tell each other about our day and laugh together while we cuddle and unwind. I take the time to journal my thoughts and feelings before I head to bed.  I make sure to go through my whole night routine before falling asleep. 

In the morning, I get ready for a date with my partner. Today we have a picnic planned. I dress up in clothes that make me feel like a fairy. We pack up our favorite food and drinks to take with us. I brought my picnic basket and my film camera. We go on a brisk walk to my favorite spot under the tree. I lay out the picnic blanket and we start to munch on our food. We relax in the shade, listen to music we both love, and take cute pictures of each other. We talk about everything under the sun but especially how we feel about various things. I love talking about emotions with them. We get to know each other better even after all these years together. After our cute little picnic,  we come home to our cat that we love to spoil. I take more photos of my love and my cat. We put on a heartwarming movie as we cuddle on the couch. I go to the kitchen to cook us some popcorn before the movie starts. We are both in tears by the end of the film. We start getting ready for bed together. Even the most mundane of tasks is a good time when I’m with my partner. I take the time to journal about my lovely day. I want to make sure I remember all the little details. We both tuck into bed and stay awake for a little longer talking about our future, our hopes, our fears. Conversations like this make me feel closer to my partner. We talk like this in each other's arms until we both fall asleep.

8/7/2024

Part 1: taking up space

I wrote What's the Catch after a first date with a guy

I could hear a band behind it as I was writing

I wanted to make it happen so I did

I commissioned Kyle Athayde to arrange my song for a big band

I was SO excited to hear the demo

It felt surreal to have a silly idea of mine

Grow into something so much bigger

As of today, I found enough instrumentalists to work on the song

And I feel disgusting

I'm not used to putting so much effort and money into one song

Normally I write a song in an hour

And that'll be it

I'm not used to so many people working on something I made

At max, I had 3 other people

With What's the Catch?

We're looking at 13

I'm being perceived in a way that I don't like

What if they don't like it?

What if they're just being nice?

What if they think I'm a fake musician?

I feel like I'm making a big deal out of a mid song

With this song in particular, my song is more than just me

And that makes me so uncomfortable

I finally realized why I'm so uncomfortable with this song

It's because I'm taking up space

I'm used to being the quiet girl

I'm used to making music alone in my own room

I'm used to doing my own thing in my own time

I'm not used to other people being involved

I'm not used to making it a big spectacle

I'm not used to being in a position where I can let people down

I'm trying to remind myself that it'll be a good experience for all of us

Being in the studio isn't an everyday thing

Since we are all students, we could all learn

But I still feel so gross

Why do I get to have my song done?

Because my dad has money???

It feels unfair and I feel unworthy

I have a lot to unlearn...

Part 2: hope

Tomorrow is the big day

We only had 3 rehearsals

It was impossible to gather everyone at the same time

But I know we'll be fine

Now that I've met everyone I'm recording with

I feel a lot more comfortable making music with them

It's funny how much my mindset has changed after school started

I'm used to having something to stress about

So my brain decided to stress about What's the Catch

Now that school is taking up my time

I've been at peace with my song

We're all just college kids who love to make music

We're all human

I tackled my biggest mental block

And now I'm ready to create

Part 3: music video

i typically dont put too much effort into making videos

even though i secretly love editing

I want What's the Catch to be different

all my youtube videos are recorded on a shitty webcam

now that i have a job at the camera shop

it feels like a good time to upgrade to a good video camera

the most ive worked on a music video was in high school

where i made an ASL interpretation of "All I Want for Christmas is You"

My teacher loved it so much she played it for all her classes

it was a creative project i was truly proud of

even if it was silly

//

my creativity is limited by the things i Think that I can do

as in if i think i cant do something

i wont think of it in the first place

I always record near my house and in my room

I don't venture out because I'm used to being extremely limited

I'm used to not having a license

I'm used to not having a steady income

but now new doors are opening up for me

which means my creativity has room to expand

it's hard to get out of the mindset that ive grown up with

but its possible

What's the Catch is my chance to get out of my comfort zone

//

I found my family's old camcorder a while back

I couldn't figure out a way to transfer the footage so I didn't use it much

Funny enough, I transfer tapes like mine all the time at my new job now

I decided to use my camcorder for this music video

itll create a vintage effect thats perfect for the jazzy vibe of my song

i have easier access to studio equiptment and more funds for props

i made a pinterest board full of ideas for the music video

i told myself to add anything even if i think its not possible to record

i didn't want to limit my creativity from the start

//

the other day i started recording the music video with my coworker Giancarlo

i used a pink backdrop i bought from work

and i bought a really cute red telphone online

its only a short scene for a 4 minute long song

but im really proud of how it turned out

even before transferring

i plan on going to the aquarium with my camcorder for the music video as well

in a few weeks we plan on shooting footage of the insturmentalists

(its a big band song

they need their moment)

//

at first i was dreading the music video

because i felt like there was no way for me to get it to look the way i want it to

but its starting to feel within reach

im getting more and more excited as time goes on

music videos are a medium im not used to

but i like to think i have an eye for it

we shall see how the finished project turns out 

3/27/24

i am guilty of associating

art with ego

when i see a painting

i dont think of how it makes me feel

i think of how beautiful it is

and how long it must've taken them

how much skill it took to accomplish it

when i see art

i think about the artist

//

music is different

when i hear music

i always try to listen to their words

to put myself in their shoes

i admire clever wordchoices

a catchy melody will make a song stand out

i pick music apart

//

the more i work hard on music

the more i associate music with ego

i start writing songs that i hope others would like

i judge myself before i get anywhere

when i became a music major

i had a long writer's block

i had plenty of material to write about

but nothing came out

i think it's because i stopped writing music for me

i wrote to be good

i didnt want to write anything mediocre

this killed my creativity

//

i am learning to unlearn

my associations with art and ego

one way for me to stop writing for others

is to stop writing altogether

i told myself that i would only write when i'm inspired

that way

i know i'm writing for me

//

but what happens when you want to write

and nothing comes out?

when you feel inspired

but don't have that spark?

for the past several years i would try anyway

in hopes that something would come to be

i noticed that this tactic works less and less

am i just falling out of love with music?

when i write i feel free

but what happens when you can't write anymore?

are you doomed to feel trapped forever?

no.

there are other ways to unlock your creativity

but i'm scared of losing something i've loved for so long

is it time to let go?

i, of course, will always write when inspiriation hits

but the days in between are getting longer and longer

//

if you know me

you know i love playing

We're Not Really Strangers

one of the questions asks

"What about you has remained intact throughout the years?"

for me i've always been an artist

my mediums have switched around

but i've always made art:

music

photography

ceramics

//

photography is another medium that's in its own lane

i went on a date with a guy last month

he asked me what i like about photography

i've never been asked that question before

i realized in that moment

that i love photography because i love being able to look at the world

point to something beautiful

and call it art

i also love being able to show my loved ones the way i see them

often times people say they dont look good in photos

i try my best to change their mind

//

there's a seperation photography has that other types of art don't have

photography heavily relies on the outside world

yes you can take a picture of the dandelion on your street

but being out in the world gives you more chances for photos to be taken

photography requires Living

//

for years i would go to concerts just to take photos

i told myself

if i didn't get a good photo

the whole trip was pointless

luckily i don't have the same mindset anymore

my ego is seperated more because i've accepted that life doesn't need to be captured in a photo

life can be spent living

//

i got a new job at the camera shop i always go to

i decided i would take a gap year to work at this job

i think photography is the perfect medium to get myself back in the artistic mindset

i will be around likeminded people

i will learn a lot

tomorrow is my first day

wish me luck :)

3/2/2024

a moment of weaknes

i linger a while

a little speechless in a

bittersweet smile

can't close the book

that i started to write

i dont want to say it

but i think i just might

itd be so easy

to cut ties

itd be so easy

to say our goodbyes

but its not so easy is it?

everyone knows how we play pretend

rushed to the start then we rushed to the end

after all thats said and done

we're classmates again

itd be so easy

to cut ties

itd be so easy

to say our goodbyes

but its not so easy is it?

we were fine

i was fine

but one look at you

lose my mind

you were mine

i let you go too

but ill just grit my teeth

ill see you next week

itd be so easy

to cut ties

itd be so easy

to say our goodbyes

but its not so easy is it?

2/28/2024

maybe im not "happier" when im alone

maybe im just more myself when im alone

and i know shes someone special

i dont see her too often anymore

but id love to see her more

shes silly

shes caring

at times even daring

she visits me when i take myself on a walk around the park

she visits me when i dance to my cat's food alarm

she visits me when i gasp at the sight of something small

i see her when i create, when i write

i see her when i remind people that i love them

i am loved

i am someone worth loving

the love i crave will find me

until then, i will love myself

12/29/2023

I wrote Wondering about my journey discovering my sexuality

This was written a year before she kissed my breath away

At the time I thought I was in love with a boy

But my anxiety reguarding my sexuality took the best of me:

What if I'm gay and don't know it?

What if dating a girl is different?

What if I will forever question my sexuality?

I want to know what it's like to be in love with a girl

What if I never get that chance if I stay with him?

This song is a reflection of what I've experienced up until then

I've always been boy crazy

When I sing "I had my first crush in kindergarten"

I meant it

And I had several at once

I've had crushes on girls too without realizing it

My best friend in elementary school was my first real girl crush

She was the new kid in third grade and I

for some reason

Really Really Really wanted to be her friend

I was obsessed with Vanessa Hudgens in HSM

(Zac Efron did nothing for me)

The signs were there

I just didn't see them

I came out as bi in 2015

Then proceeded to quadruple guess myself for 7 more years

I was your stereotypical confused bisexual

I hurt a lot of people because of it

I would confuse actual problems with boys

With wanting to be with women

Being gay was my escape mechanism

I've grown a lot since then

I'm in a place where I no longer feel pressure to date any particular gender

I am currently happily single

I wanted Wondering to be the last song on the album

Because it summarizes my experience as a bisexual as a whole

A Very Bisexual Song is my most popular song

But it only references the stereotypes

I wanted to release a song that shows my real experiences

Bisexuality is more complex than cuffed jeans