11/4/2024
My therapist thinks I'm OCD
...and autistic
...and ADHD
I'm already diagnosed with bipolar disorder
I was told I couldn't get diagnosed for OCD until I'm "emotionally stable for 2-3 months"
Of course, I'm emotionally unstable BECAUSE I'm not getting the right treatment
But what else could I do?
When I was younger
I thought it was bad luck to look at a specific part of my bathroom mirror
I would have to blink an even number to feel safe
The bigger the number
The safer I was
I would blink up to 60 times
My pediatric psychiatrist mentioned me having OCD
Once I was too old to see him
I switched to an adult psychiatrist
She didn't listen to a word I said
I would tell her how miserable my new meds felt
And she would just increase them
I was told that she was the one who took OCD off my medical record
It wasn't until I told my current psychiatrist about the blinking for me to get reassessed
As of today, I am officially diagnosed with OCD
My life is starting to make a lot more sense
My perfectionism has been holding me back for decades
In middle school, I would skip class to finish homework
Because I wanted to get everything done
In high school, I failed a few classes because I just didn't show up
In college, I would drop out of my classes for fear of failing
Even if it was just because I missed one (1) assignment
At work I find myself wanting to quit constantly because I'm not a expert at what I do
And that's just the OCD side of things
My OCD and autism wants to manage my time
But my ADHD doesn't let me
My autism wants a strict routine
But my ADHD doesn't let me
Antidepressants are used to treat OCD
But too much can trigger a manic episode from my bipolar
I am a combination of conditions that like to fight each other
Now that I'm diagnosed
I feel free
There is a reason why I am the way that I am
I'm not just insane
I am not trying to cause trouble
I am not doing this on purpose
Of course, with a diagnosis comes the responsibility of treating it
But now I have the resources from my providers
And the comfort of certainty
I can look up OCD without feeling like an imposter
I've been living my life thinking something was deeply wrong with me
But now I know
I'm just OCD
And there is nothing wrong with that